The Surprisingly Appropriate Reasons to Give an Inappropriate Gift

There are perfectly respectable gifts. Candles. Scarves. Bottles of wine with tasteful labels.

And then there are gifts that make someone shout, “Oh my God,” before laughing so hard they have to set the thing down.

Those are often the better gifts.

An inappropriate gift is not necessarily careless. Done properly, it can be observant, affectionate, and exactly right for the occasion—even when the occasion did not technically call for 3D double-D paper breasts.

1. It Can End a Terrible Gift-Giving Arms Race

Every family has one.

Someone gives a monogrammed cashmere throw. The next person retaliates with imported olive oil and a handcrafted serving board. By Christmas, everyone is spending far too much money and pretending to know what “small-batch” means.

This is when you step forward with The Food Has Weed in It Oven Mitt.

It is useful. It is well made. And it immediately restores a reasonable standard for the exchange:

We came here to enjoy ourselves, not establish an estate.

The Blue Q mitt is made from insulated cotton, and a portion of the sale supports hunger-relief programs—so beneath the marijuana joke, it is behaving more responsibly than several members of the family.

2. It Can Communicate Affection Without Becoming Emotionally Sticky

Some people can look one another in the eye and explain what their friendship means.

Others would rather fake their own deaths.

For those relationships, there is the Naughty Knockers Inappropriate 3D Card.

Nothing prevents an exchange from becoming unbearably sincere quite like a pair of 3D double-D paper breasts. You can write something genuinely loving inside, hand it over, and allow the card to provide immediate emotional cover.

It is a heartfelt message with its own distraction plan.

3. It Can Correct a Dangerously Inaccurate Public Image

Perhaps your friend is frequently described as “so sweet.”

This may be true.

It may also be an incomplete account prepared by people who have never heard her mutter during a conference call.

The Kindness Is My Go-To, Fuck Off Is My Wingman Mug allows her to preserve her good reputation while adding one small but important footnote.

It is a 15-ounce ceramic mug printed on both sides, which means her coworkers can receive the clarification from nearly any angle.

Kindness remains the official policy. The wingman handles appeals.

4. It Can Make a Difficult Milestone Less Ceremonial

Your office friend should have received the promotion.

She did not.

Instead, management gave it to Kevin, who says “supposably,” schedules meetings that could have been emails, and recently asked her how to open a PDF.

Flowers are too cheerful. A motivational plaque would be grounds for ending the friendship.

This situation calls for The Original Bag of Poo Emoji Cotton Candy.

It is brown cotton candy in smiling-poo packaging, but it tastes like black cherry. In other words, it recognizes that the circumstances are shitty without making the entire afternoon worse.

Hand it to her with a note that says, “Congratulations on not being Kevin.”

5. It Can Expose the Funniest Person in the Room

Give someone the Only Sluts Are Born in This Month Birthday Card in front of a group and watch carefully.

One person will laugh immediately.

One will gasp.

One will pretend she did not see it.

And one woman will clutch her pearls while leaning closer to make absolutely certain she read it correctly.

By the time the card reaches the other end of the table, you will know who is genuinely scandalized, who is pretending, and who should be invited to everything from now on.

It Really Is the Thought That Counts

That old saying has been used to excuse some truly terrible gifts, but in this case, it happens to be true.

An appropriately inappropriate gift requires more thought, not less. You have to know the person. You have to understand what makes them laugh. You have to spot the exact item that would be completely wrong for almost anyone else—and absolutely perfect for them.

That is why it lands.

The recipient does not simply see the profanity, the 3D double-D paper breasts, or the smiling bag of poo. They see that you know them well enough to choose boldly and get it exactly right.

At Zsa Zsa’s, we take that responsibility seriously. We are here to help you find the gift that says exactly what you mean—even when what you mean should probably not be said in mixed company.

A careless inappropriate gift is merely uncomfortable.

A precisely chosen one says, “I know you. I adore you. And I knew the tasteful candle was never going to cut it.”